Monday, 25 November 2013

Unrequited Love

A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain.
- Abraham Cowley

Unrequited love. 
A love that is hard to miss. 
A tragic love that saddens your soul, yet it is somehow romantic. 
A disestablished love, a love that has never really begun,
To love someone despite the resentment or to love someone from afar.
The idea itself is obscure.

Which one of us has not at one point,
 experienced the agony of a love that is not reciprocated?
Cliche as it may sound, loving someone who does not love you back?
Unhealthy and hopelessly romantic.
Tho some may argue that there are great love stories based on unrequited love, 
Notre Dame de Paris by Victor Hugo, Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare, and Great Expectations by Charles Dickens --to name a few. 
Some may disagree, the bitterness of it is understandable.
What I concluded based on these stories, one way or another,
 it was their choice to be in that situation.
No matter what excuse they had, it was their own choice to love someone.

You've been eyeing someone for quite a time now
and to realize he does not feel the same way.
But the worst of it, it does NOT stop there.
Knowing the fact that you've been creating fatuous meanings
 from his simple friendly gestures does not stop you from hoping that one day 
all these upliftments wont come from the figment of your imagination.

I have come to a realization that I was in that dumb position because I chose to stay there,
I decided to be there. Stuck in my own delusion.
I thought I was happy, truly happy is what I meant. Wasn't I?
Perhaps, the thought of unraveling a magnetic feeling was clouding my judgment.
Everything meant something, even to the smallest pantomime.
 Every details seemed extremely important. 
Details were something to grab on to, a way to insert myself to his life.

The excitement was slowly consuming my state of mind.
Little did I know, it was all part of my evil plan,
to torture myself with what if's, regrets, silly misconceptions -- and so much worse.

Every doubt will eat you alive, 
every sign will lead you to disappointment, 
every conversation is misleading.
Drowned by your own malignant, 
a cancer that is destroying your esteem bit by bit by biiit.
Sooner or later, you'll find yourself questioning everything.
Will come to a point that you will even blame yourself,
thinking that you're not good enough.
You will be a defiant to your own conscious mind.
You might even change your ways, to worse.
Thinking that it might result into something that will make everything better.
A rebellion of oneself.
Clearly, you cannot correct things with wrong ways.

Change the way you think, 
and you will undoubtedly be okay.. eventually.
It is how you think that makes you feel miserable.
This is your perspective.

Accept it. 
You cannot force someone to give you the answer you've been wanting to hear.
It does not work that way.
An untried love has boundless possibilities, 
you don't have the assurance, you don't have the exact answer.
 All you have are assumptions and risks.
You've put yourself in that situation knowing it has risks.
Not minding the possibility that you will end up unsatisfied with the result of your actions. 

You question his intentions.
You gave meaning to his actions.
You gave meaning to your conversations.
You gave meaning to his compliments.
You gave meaning to everything, when it was clearly nothing more than being friendly.
Just two people creating a relationship--- a friendship.

Some are lucky, some are not.
I may sound like a hypocrite,
 I myself cannot fathom the fact that I'm writing about this.
But these are lessons. 
The lessons, I learned.